Insert whale pun here

Please note the following two whale-themed extravaganzas that have burst into our bland reality in the last few days: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006030144,00.html and lest we forget http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4631396.stm. A certain associate of mine passed these nuggests of sheer delight on to me, for which I am eternally grateful. Incidentally, it's worth taking time out to mention that 'associate' is a superb word because it is atmospheric and mysterious while being totally all-encompassing; am I a mobster talking about a cleaner friend of mind, or am I a fast-food employee with delusions of grandeur talking about the Taco Bell dog? No one knows.

But I digress, and the meat of my discussion is worthy meat indeed, for it is whale meat. Few things in this world are guaranteed to please in quite the same manner as whales; as far as I can think, only zombies, ninjas, and giant squid share the whale's ability to add instant comedy to any situation. If it is my misfortune to have my mortal remains put to rest with one of those drearily touchy-feely memorial services instead of a straight-to-the-point funeral mass with as little chatter from non-priestly folks as possible, I insist that said memorial service be interrupted at irregular but frequent intervals by high-spirited individuals in zombie, ninja, qiant squid, and whale costumes rushing around the place, belting out the characteristic cry of the being they are impersonating. Anyone who manages to attend the service as a convincing giant zombie ninja squid-whale will receive fully eighteen bonus points with a possible upgrade to twenty-three if a convincing call for such a beast is affected. I feel that this would set the proper tone.

I would like to take this moment to alert you to a certain danger that this line of thought leads to. Given that giant squids and whales are like twin elevators racing toward comedy bliss, one may reasonably suspect that a movie that promises not one but both of these Heaven-sent, multi-ton vehicles of comedy would be nothing short of a foretaste of the divine pleasures that await us and, inspired by these thoughts, further think that it would be a good idea to see Noah Burnbaum's The Squid and the Whale. However, in thinking thusly one would be very wrong indeed. I can tell you from painful experience that this movie features not a single well timed whale gag, and neither does it benefit from tales of terror about giant squid that would chill the bones of a salty old sailor. What it does have is a maddeningly uninteresting series of boring conversations about how much divorce sucks. A valid point, surely, but one that could equally surely have been enlivened by the occasional giant squid bursting into the family's living room and laying waste to all on the scene.

Somehow I suspect that I have rather strayed from the old straight-to-the-point style that the blogger should make his bosom friend. To return: whales. I confess I haven't ever really approved of any move Greenpeace has pulled in the past, but any group that carts a twenty-ton whale carcass around Berlin for the express purpose of dropping it on someone's doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and running away as if they had just delivered the most enormous flaming bag of poo in all of history deserves my applause. Not that I think they really achieved their goal of shaking up The Japanese Man and giving him Serious Food for Thought, because what could be more awesome for a diplomat trapped in some stuffy bureaucratic office than to look out his window and see a giant whale hovering vaguely in the air before descending gracefully to earth on to his doorstep? I can guarantee you that in such a situation the only thought going through my head would be hot diggety damn, thank you Jesus. The other bonus? Free all-you-can-eat whale meat number one. There will be enough whale jerky to carry that embassy through a generation of cold German winters. This is the most fun I've had with Greenpeace since France blew one of their boats all to hell.

I'm not entirely sure that was the post I had set out to write, but it's all I'm going to get right about now. For those Japanese speakers out there (Andrew Richardson and his imaginary friends?), great fun is free for the taking at the website for the Japanese whaling commision as it tries vainly to fend off claims that its research focuses primarily on the effects of large quantities of whale meat on the palate and gastrointestinal system. Check it out here: http://www.whaling.jp/qa.html#02_01